


Octopussy (only without the pussy)

by GloriaMundi



Category: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Genre: Community: kink_bingo, M/M, plushies/furries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-08
Updated: 2010-06-08
Packaged: 2017-10-10 00:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GloriaMundi/pseuds/GloriaMundi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Perry, who's my boss -- as you'll know if you watched that movie, the one that nobody saw: well, if you're one of the six or seven people who actually saw it -- anyway, Perry says you can buy anything, anything at all, in LA. This is not all Perry says, not by a long shot. Sometimes he's quiet, but that's usually because he's explaining something to me in what he likes to call non-verbal ways."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Octopussy (only without the pussy)

Perry, who's my boss -- as you'll know if you watched that movie, the one that nobody saw: well, if you're one of the six or seven people who actually saw it -- anyway, Perry says you can buy anything, anything at all, in LA. This is not all Perry says, not by a long shot. Sometimes he's quiet, but that's usually because he's explaining something to me in what he likes to call non-verbal ways.

And okay, usually I'm not so quiet when he's doing that.

Anyway, the incident I'm going to tell you about happened some time after Perry had explained to me that gay sex wasn't actually any worse than the regular kind, and hold on, if he did _this_ and _this_ maybe I'd even start thinking it was better ... sorry, got sidetracked a moment there. As you were.

You'd've been a lot more freaked out if I'd said it happened _before_ we got down and dirty. Which is sexual harassment at work, except we do it in the bedroom (yeah, _the_ bedroom, we share a bedroom: deal with it) as well as in the office.

So Perry and me, we were talking about handjobs and how his hand -- he's got huge hands, seriously, they're like, like paws or something -- his hand makes my dick look small, and it's not like I have size issues (okay, Perry's is bigger, but he's a big guy all over, not like me) but nobody wants to think their dick's small when somebody's hand's wrapped around it and they're making you moan and beg and all that stuff which is frankly embarrassing. "Harmony had lovely hands," I said, which might not have been the best thing to say while Perry had his hand wrapped round, et cetera. "Petite, you know?"

"Shut up about Harmony," growls Perry. (Seriously, he's some kind of animal, honest to God.) "She dumped you. Live with it."

"Just saying," I explain, "'cause the smaller the girl's -- or guy's, I'm not being sexist here -- the smaller the hand, the bigger it looks, yeah?"

"Never really thought about it," says Perry, which I am almost positive is a lie: but then he starts _licking_ and it's all over kind of fast after that, apart from the bit where he hadn't got off yet and I ended up doing, well, something you probably don't want to hear about if you're from the mid-West.

So the two of us are lying there afterward and I keep on thinking about hands, and I do not know where it came from but I say, "I'd kinda like to get a handjob from a real mouse, you know? One of those Asian chicks? No, wait, stop: just in principle. A, what d'you call it, a _thought experiment_." Perry is big on thought experiments, like "Imagine if you were actually a competent PA" or "What would Harmony do if she walked in right now?" I always try to take these in the spirit they're intended. "But," (this is me talking to Perry in bed, still with me?) "but I think I'd rather get a handjob from a squid. Or an octopus. Octopussy, only without the 'pussy', because --"

"Tell me, Harry, do you actually think about these words coming out of your mouth?" enquires Perry, stealing the pillow. "Or is it, like, stream of consciousness?"

Whatever.

So we don't talk about handjobs or squid any more, except a week or so after that, Perry comes back with a shiny black plastic bag, and tells me he's got a surprise for me.

"Is it a good one?" Because I'm wise to Perry's surprises and let me tell you, there've been some real doozies.

"Something you said you wanted," smirks Perry, and I know that look, and really I should be nodding and smiling and backing away from the crazy guy but what the hell, it's a good sort of crazy mostly.

"Just sit there, Harry," he tells me, and because it's before 5pm and I'm still on the clock I do as I'm told. "Push your chair back a bit. Hey, what's that?" His hand comes over my shoulder, pointing at something in the spreadsheet I've got open.

"That's your expenses for," I start saying, but fuckin' Perry is just doing his usual let's-distract-Harry-and-get-the-drop-on-him, and next thing I know there's a blindfold over my eyes. (Actually, it's his scarf, and Perry might've turned me gay but I'm not gay enough to wear a fucking silk scarf, though on this occasion I wasn't exactly given a choice).

"What the fuck, man?" I say, but Perry makes a shushing noise and next thing I know he's shoved the chair back a bit more, and he's between me and the desk, and he's undoing my fly. Which is kind of hot, actually, with the blindfold.

I can hear the rustling as he gets something out of that plastic bag and I'm doing this mental rewind thing, trying to work out what it was I might've said I wanted lately. A frozen strawberry daiquiri? A pair of boxers without rude cartoons on? The new Protocop action figure? (It wasn't for me. No, really, it wasn't.) But I still haven't got there (Tuna sashimi? A haircut that didn't make me look gay? An acting job?) when I feel something that I'm not ashamed to say made me scream like a girl (or a very, very gay man), which is _tentacles_.

... That's the bit where they'd put the scary music, da-da-daaah, yeah?

No, of _course_ it wasn't real tentacles, and I want to apologise to any of you who might have some kind of, I dunno, seafood allergy or traumatic experience at SeaWorld or whatever. But it _felt_ like tentacles, all the little bumpy suckers and kind of slick and wet, and Perry was wrapping them round my dick -- which I forgot to say got hard a while back, what with the blindfold and the unzipping, but I guess you could've worked that one out for yourself -- and telling me, in that husky growly bedroom voice of his, how this is a squid which for some perverse reason (that's the problem with Perry, he editorialises all the goddamn time) had the hots for me and it can't wait to wind its slimy suckery arms round my hard dick and give me the ride of my life. How it's got all these long boneless arms ... tentacles ... whatever, more than enough to jerk me off and fuck me at the same time, just ready to slip into my asshole and right up inside me, all slithery with its own juices, and ...

I'll say one thing in favour of Perry van Shrike, and that is that he did not start giggling like a mental patient until I'd come. Which I admit did not take long at all, even though part of me (not _that_ part) was saying, "It's just a novelty item" and "Perry is never going to let you forget this" and "if it's just his hand, how come I can feel more than five ... things?"

Anyway, as thought experiments go it was one of the good ones, and I was kind of flattered that Perry'd gone to that much trouble ("Seriously, you do not want to know what _else_ they sold in that store. Remind me never to go there again") just to get me off. Which meant I had to return the favour, which is completely another story for another time, but I reckon it'd make a great movie. ... What? Why not?

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> RDJ MADE ME DO IT. Look! ---&gt; ["Dude, I don't mean to be too basal, but I always think about, maybe it'll make my dick seem bigger if they have little hands and they're wrapping 'em around, but I might also feel like I'm getting a hand job from a fucking mouse, which, worse things could happen, but I'd rather get a hand job from a squid than a mouse. Which is the essence of what I'm trying to say today." (RDJ in _Esquire_, 2007)](http://www.dandychick.com/cqproject/institute/rlmg1.php)  
> Thanks to **petra** for deBritting and wriggling!


End file.
